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How to Make Your Guinea Pig Hate You

How to Make Your Guinea Pig Hate You

Sir Poops-a-Lot, our guinea pig, loves loud music, at least in short bursts. He adores hip-hop, MTV and VH1 Top 20 Countdown.

Crazy, huh? Our guinea pig can't stand silence. Crank the tunes, and watch him dance. He zips and zoom and darts and dashes all around his pen. Eventually, however, he tires and simply stops. He curls his claws underneath him and sleeps on the spot.

So how can you tick off your guinea pig?

Let's Start With the Positives:

If you want your guinea pig (or cavy) to love you, just love him! Offer all the things he needs. Gentle guinea pigs adore attention. Cavies love to be where the action is, and they are among the most affectionate of all animals.

Guinea pigs favor fresh fruits and vegetables, and they crave cardboard.

How to Make Your Guinea Pig Hate You:

Here are the top ten ways to make your guinea pig miserable.

1) Confinement: Put a tarp or tent over his cage to make him sleep. Hey, it works for canaries, right? Don't you dare do this to your cavy!

2) Daily baths: Guinea pigs love to drink water, but they really don't like being wet. If you baptize your rodent in the bath each day, he will duck and cover every time you draw near!

3) Dirty cage: Why bother cleaning out the guinea pig cage? He's just going to soil it again. Besides, cavies have been known to consume their own poop. Let him clean it up himself! Just put your vet on speed-dial first!

4) Exposure: Keep his cage bare. Don't give him any hiding places, playthings, or toys. Expect him to keep himself occupied all day on his own. Got pet psychologists, anyone?

5) Haircuts: Does your guinea pig have whorls or cowlicks? Just try trimming those! Aha!

6) Manicures: Clip your guinea pig's claws really short, and he will probably clip your fingers with his teeth!

7) Mockery: Isn't it hilarious to watch your guinea pig race around the room and do his happy dance? He jumps and flexes and twists and spins more than a Jazzercise class. Why not mock him? Do you think he doesn't know? While you're at it, why not invite six or eight friends in to watch the show? You might even pick up your guinea pig, and pass him around among all your pals. Boundaries matter!

8) Shared quarters: Cage your cavy with other animals. Put a rabbit, a rat, a Rex or a Rottweiler in the pen with him. Can't we all just get along?

9) Solitude: Ignore your guinea pig for several hours. Let him languish alone in his cage. Think he'll thank you for the peace and quiet? Think again!

10) Wilted lettuce: Fresh leafy spinach, kale, and lettuce are a guinea pig's favorite treats. Try to pan off last night's soggy salad, and you will win no points with your guinea pig.

Can You Earn Back Your Guinea Pig's Favor?

After perturbing your guinea pig with all of his pet peeves, is it possible to restore his affection?

Sure you can! Just bring him home a friend! Stop at PetSmart, PetCo or your favorite pet store, and get another guinea pig. If you have a boar (male), he would welcome a sow (female) with open paws. You can be his hero again!

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